Talking to The Walls

During a recent therapy session I was asked to write a letter to the person I was 2 years ago before starting therapy. Let me qualify by saying I was someone growing up who discounted therapy and was convinced I did not need it. I spent many years self medicating my problems away by drinking, smoking and disappearing into my vice of choice – marijuana. I did not see any issues as I was holding down my responsibilities, travelling a lot, advancing in my career and had accomplished one of my life’s dreams by moving from my hometown Toronto to Montreal and immersing myself in a brand new culture. Life was exciting and I was outrunning my vices and living for the day. My first year in Montreal was my first time living alone after living with family and roommates and was scary and exciting at the same time. Everything was brand new and lots of new experiences and I felt I was stretching myself as far as I could in a new city, new language and new culture. It was an amazing first year and having moved after a recent promotion in my job at the bank I felt a sense of personal accomplishment that I hadn’t felt in my life until then. What happened next crept up on me and slowly and whether I knew it or not at the time was the beginning of the next chapter of my life in which I find myself now. My daily marijuana habit had begun to creep up on me and my anxiety was beginning to be uncontrollable. I was barely hanging on at work and the honeymoon phase in Montreal had come to an end as what was once exciting and new I began to feel homesick and isolated further complicated by the language and cultural differences. This all led to an eventual breakdown at my job which resulted in me quitting. The next 2 months were some of the hardest days of my life as I was battling my addictions and was jobless and my money reserves slowly depleting. I eventually ended up moving back home with the help of my Mother who rented a moving van and tried to begin my life again back in Ontario. Living with your Mother after having all the freedom you could have ever imagined was not how I envisioned my life plan to go and after spending months looking for a job and not being able to hold down the jobs I could find I felt like I was walking in quicksand and feeling as lost as I had ever been. I was in a long distance relationship which was probably the only thing keeping my head above water during this time and eventually I found a job that I had settled into and finally had back a semblance of routine and hope. My addictions unfortunately had followed me back home and resulted in some tense moments at home living with my Mom. I was lucky to have my Aunt who has a cottage nearby which I was able to get some space from the small living quarters at home and feeling stuck in my room working and escalating every night by getting high and trying to forget my anxiety and stress. I had some experience with therapy in the past but having a distorted view of therapy from TV and the Movies was hoping that just by going by some miracle I would get better. Between the constant anxiety loops in my head and constant stress and fear of the future along with working a stressful job I decided to go back to therapy. Looking back this was the best decision I ever made. I was not fixed overnight like I had hoped but what it did allow was for me to open up a dialogue with myself and hold myself accountable to what was going on in my life. The truth is it takes a lot of work which is still ongoing and progress was far from linear – lying to myself that my addictions were helping me and self medicating throughout therapy I am sure stalled my progress but I was able to hold my job down and get myself into a better spot financially while slowly learning where my anxiety was coming from and figuring myself out. The process was not easy and have regrets about outbursts towards those closest to me, losing control of my temper at work and my addictions eventually led to the loss of my relationship but the one constant throughout was therapy. I am now free of a lifelong marijuana addiction and have been consistent with my medication which helps control my mood and anxiety and am continuing with therapy. So what would I say to myself 2 years ago? I think we all arrive at our destination when we are supposed to and the ride is not going to be easy – I am now feeling excitement towards life again much like I did before moving to Montreal. The difference this time is that I am a believer in the process that therapy has taught me and when you have worked hard to get back to that frame of mind don’t take anything for granted.